Scattered words

 On April 29th 2015 I wrote a letter to myself, on April 29th 2020 I received that letter which I totally forgot about, it was really nice reading it seeing how much progress I did since then.  On April 3rd 2022 I wrote another letter to my future self, only this time I wrote what I would have liked to hear from someone special, instead of waiting to hear those words I decided that I will be that someone to myself.  I decided that this time I will publish it here so that maybe someone else will benefit from it and maybe I will be that someone special for somebody else. Let me know what would you like to say to your future self?                             ************ Dear future me , Always know your worth, always believe in yourself, you are doing great! Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise, always know that there will always be someone looking up to you thinking wow she’s amazing! Believe in you...

فبكيت و بكيت و بكيت حتى لم يأت أحد لإنقاذي تمالكت نفسي و لملمت شتات ما بقي مني بانتظار الموجة القادمة فقد اصبحت عادة الآن وحدي في مواجهة الكون ثلاثة أيام من الثبات و الصمود و الأربعة الباقية انهيار و فياضانات و عواصف. لم يعد لدي رغبة في الاستمرار حتى الذكريات الجميلة أصبحت مؤلمة و صعبة. أقف وحدي على حافة ناصية الحلم ولكن لا اقاتل فقد خارت قواي و لم أعد أعظم بكثير من أن أحلم أحلاماً صغيرة بل هي باتت أعظم من أن أحققها أنا.  أنا… و كم من الكلمات التي قد تصف من أنا، كم من الكلمات التي لم تقل او قيلت ولم تتحقق، كم من الكلمات التي لم تسمع و كم من الكلمات التي كتبت و لم تُقرأ أو قُرأَت و نُسيَت ثم تلاشت. أنا صديق الجميع الذي لا صديق له بلا كتفٍ ثابتٍ يتكئ عليه…

 Woke up as usual at 9 am after a tiring Sleepless night because I didn’t get used to this new house yet and it has been difficult for me to get settled here, I always spend my morning drinking coffee, talking to my mom, solving some problems in the house, and if i had time I would watch a 20 min of any tv series, then I head out to my volunteer work at a friends vegan shop wearing my blue raincoat and on my grey bike. The maps say it is a 17 min cycle crossing the ferry and central station of Amsterdam to the shop, but it takes me forever to get there because it is a very stressful road for me with people and bikes coming from all directions and I always get lost through the small streets but I have finally managed to remember the road straight to the shop. As a person who has never committed to a job before I find this one pretty exciting for me as I am enjoying the whole new routine and talking to people and gaining new perspective on people who do this. It is pretty tiring but ...

My Inner voices  There's a voice within me that judges me constantly, keeps me away from doing anything, tells me not to say this and not to say that.. There's a voice within me reminds me of my imperfections and failures and repeats it to me over and over again.. There's a voice within me that's never satisfied of what ever that I am doing, laughs at me and keeps me hesitated because of all the "what ifs" that fill's my head with.. There's a voice within me that makes me feel worthless, unless, and invisible as if I don't exist as if I don't belong.. Simply, There's a voice within me that hates me.. في داخلي صوتٌ ينقدني باستمرار..  فيقول لي لا تفعل هذا و ذاك  ولا تقل كذا و كذا  في داخلي صوتٌ ينبئني باسوء ما في..  فيشعرني بكل اخطائي  و يكررها لي باستمرار  في داخلي صوتٌ غير راضٍ عني.. فيحدّثني  عن مدى سخافة صوتي  و كم أن شكلي مبعثر و كم كان أفضل لو أنني لم أرتدي هذا الحذاء  في داخلي صوتٌ يعاقبني على كل فعل و حرف..  يقول لي "ماذا لو...